“Growing up would be so fun, said every human who had never felt what growing up is.” We
all run in our lives constantly since the day we are born. Every day is a war from the moment
we leave the bed. We are taught to not complain, to not rest and wait for things to get better.
It’s a constant tug of war between being yourself or the best. In this very journey we almost
forget what is life. Funny enough we call it the journey of life. Once I was by the lake
enjoying a book named ikigai in it the authors have mentioned a line “In order to live life the
fullest, a person needs to understand that fulfillment is a part of himself and nothing else in
the world can make him happy.” When I was reading this book, I was surrounded by trees
legs dipped in the lake away from the busy and the monotonous routine which I had accepted
as my life. At that very moment these lines made perfect sense to me. Was I getting paid to
sit there? no. Did I have a billion-dollar boat Infront of me? no. Did I have the latest iPhone
and was watching Netflix in it? no. I was having the peace of mind sitting at that very place,
no external element to make me think different things at once nor any work for which I had to
force myself just for a decent amount of incentives. Human Brain is the most gifted and
blessed one in this world yet we never accept that people can feel worn out and depressed just
by not able to feel that fulfillment in their lives. Looking back at the life I lived so far, I ask
myself when was I the happiest, the day when I got my first salary or the day I missed an
exam to buy gifts for my girlfriend. Is it the day my boss said that I was the best employee of
the office or is it the day when I was skating with all my friends till dusk and was just
watching all the same people skating beside me with whom I have grown up. Its silly to have
missed an exam for someone who is not going to be of any help if my percentages are not
good yet why her smile seemed like it was worth it. Getting praised by boss and receiving an
uprisal was well worth in monetary terms and most people work hard for it, yet given at any
point I am ready to exchange it for another meet with all my friends with whom I have shared
my childhood and grown up with them. Human bond is complex some will kill their own
brothers for a piece of property in their parents will and at the same place two people who are
not related by blood becomes best friends and share everything with each other. How exactly
does a human perceive happiness? My cousin is a victim of depression and spending time
with her made me realize how futile and insignificant that same bestfriend or brother can be
once they stop being in sync with you. They are there with you, yet you feel that you are
alone. Every laugh and giggle will feel different and distant. You stumble every time to
answer questions like who is your close friend, who do you like talking to, who is the most
precious to you? You end up doubting your presence in their life, one time with whom you
shared all your secrets with. Well by now you would have realized I am not a person who is
happy or fulfilled in his life, yet I used to work and do the same things again and again
hoping that some day all this confusion and doubt will go away. Now I am stuck here in an
inverted car with blood tripping down my head and the smell of gasoline is slowly filling my
lungs. There’s a huge cut on my face and my hip joint seems to have been detached from my
skeletal framework. Its hard to focus what is happening around me are people shouting or the
voices which I had buried in my heart coming out. The life which I have lived is always of a
constant doubt and self-pity enigma. Now I am in my final moments yet I am still comparing
the life events in my life with money or people who made me the happiest? When I left the
house today, I was happy that I am the one person my cousin feels worth sharing her thoughts
with, I was on my way to meet her. I turned on the radio, ‘Don’t you look back,no
Don’t you slow down
We’re at new heights now
All on my feet and my heart
I’m on my way, on my way now’
You feel really happy and powerful when someone says, I only have you who can understand
me. I felt so happy and meaningful in my life that I was ready to cross the speed limit and
drive in a way that my windshield got covered with rain and I lost track of the road and drive
straight out of the lane to hit a construction site. Now as I wait for any miracle to happen,
meanwhile secretly wishing to let me be free from this constant race of choosing the best way
of life I still have one doubt in mind, was I able to find the meaning of life as a grown up? I
regret my life was just bound to work and constant try to be better than the people around me
and not giving enough time to people who are present in my life and have always been the
reason of my real happiness. Though I am happy too cause these moments were few which I
had with them which makes it so precious and dear to me, but in the end I just wish I could
live one more extra day to able to do all that once again. I cant keep my body in control now
my hands are numb and I can sense heat fumes touching my face. Was I enough for
someone? Was I able to add meaning in someone’s life or was I just a person who was just
born and is going to die as a human? “Some people stay for a life time, others for only a day.
The one’s who matter will always be the people who comes in your head when you close
your eyes.”